Season 5 Episode 25: Buck the Stud

The last episode of season 5, and an unusually mercenary one even by this family’s standards. A neighbor named Mr. Lovejoy owns a prize briard and needs a mate for her, and he is prepared to pay ten thousand dollars for the service. The Bundys have a dog. Al does the arithmetic in about a second and a half and immediately begins preparing Buck for the assignment, which involves kneeling on the living room floor with a book of dog photographs and coaching him through it like a position coach walking a rookie through film. The family is already spending the money before Buck has left the house. What comes back is not a check. Al returns from the appointment holding a bill, and the bill is not for ten thousand dollars either, because Buck was rather more enthusiastic than anyone had accounted for and Mr. Lovejoy’s champion did not survive the encounter. The figure is a hundred thousand dollars, payable in three days, and Al walks the family through exactly how a shoe salesman intends to cover it. In the other half of the episode Bud has developed a theory that the reason he cannot attract women is his wardrobe, and sets about correcting it by buying the most ostentatious clothing he can find, including a hooded robe that earns him the nicknames Yoda and Ewok from his sister within about four seconds of his coming down the stairs. Against all odds the strategy briefly works, and then it works too well.

Episode Facts

• Original air date: May 19, 1991
• Season and episode: Season 5, Episode 25
• Overall episode number: 105
• Written by: Chip Johannessen and John Rinker
• Directed by: Gerry Cohen
• Taped: April 19, 1991
• Title note: “Stud” in the kennel sense, a male animal kept specifically for breeding, with the modern slang meaning hanging in the background for Buck’s benefit.

Guest Cast

• Armin Shimerman as Mr. Lovejoy (credited as Armin Shimmerman)
• Debbe Dunning as Bubbles
• Jennifer Blanc as Margie
• Trea Shields as Bridgett

Coaching the Dog

The scene of Al on the floor with a book of dog pictures, talking Buck through what is expected of him, is the kind of thing this show could do that almost nothing else on television could. He compliments the briard’s legs, notes the lilt of her tail, and advises Buck to close his eyes and imagine he is with a poodle. Peg’s contribution from the couch is to tell the dog to listen carefully, because Al satisfied her, and look how happy she is.

Armin Shimerman plays Lovejoy, two years before he became permanently recognizable as Quark on Deep Space Nine. Debbe Dunning turns up as Bubbles, having already appeared a few episodes earlier in the same season as Rochelle Alpert in “Kelly Bounces Back,” apparently in the same dress.

Bud’s wardrobe plot gives the episode its second engine. The hooded robe draws Star Wars comparisons from Kelly, and Bud’s defense is that the sales clerk told him Kevin Costner wears them, which he undermines by admitting they were displayed next to the Dick Tracy raincoats. He introduces himself to a group of women as an early James Dean, or alternatively a bride of Leavenworth, and the whole thing ends with him being physically swarmed on the front lawn.

Al’s retaliation against Buck involves locking him in the basement and testing which names provoke a reaction. Lassie sets the dog off immediately. Nancy Reagan gets nothing, which prompts Al to observe that he never believed the Sinatra story anyway.

Famous Quotes

• Al, coaching: “Now, what I would do if I were you, next time you hop that briard, I’d just close my eyes and pretend I was ‘Bundy-fying’ a poodle.”
• Peg, from the couch: “Listen to him, Buck. He satisfied me. Look how happy I am.”
• Marcy, finding Al on the floor with the dog: “Gee, Al, nice to see you down on all fours, like your forefathers.”
• Al, breaking the news about the invoice: “If you look a little closer, you’ll see it’s a bill for $100,000… Buck was ready all right. A little bit more ready than our Lady of Astoria. Or should I say, ‘The late Lady of Astoria’.”
• Peg: “…To death, Al?!” Al: “…And beyond, Peg!”

Notes

• Al mentions he was All-State, offered as encouragement to the dog.
• Bud reveals he played hockey as a child, and Al wonders aloud whether he will ever play baseball again, presumably thinking of the New Market Mallers.
• Peg names the neighbors on the block: the McGintys, the Ritters across the street and the Finleys behind the house.
• Al tells Kelly he will miss her most of all, Scarecrow, which is a Wizard of Oz line and not a compliment.
• A continuity goof: the front door is clearly shut behind Al when he comes in with the bill, then wide open in the reverse shot of Peg, and stays open until she closes it later in the scene.