One of our best shows yet! Episode 10 of the Bundy Breakdown was supposed to be a celebration. Our tenth show. We had invited a few freeloaders into the room, the ones who watch but never speak up, and we were ready to thank them for helping us get this far. We had Ed O’Neill, Amanda Bynes, David Garrison, Bob Rooney, and our regular Richard Gurman on the couch. We had announced Juliette Tablac was coming. We had Psycho Dad hats in the works with a surprise twist nobody had seen yet. And then Danny Bonaduce showed up, and the whole night became about him.
The episode we broke down was “How Green Was My Apple,” season eight, episode sixteen, from 1994. Al grows an apple tree, the first apple hangs over the fence into the Darcys’ yard, Jefferson eats it, and a ridiculous property war erupts. Fences go up. Toll booths appear. Utility sabotage. Fines. Damage to both homes. Danny arrives as the land surveyor to settle the property line, everyone recognizes him as Danny Partridge, he insists he’s just a surveyor, Dave Madden shows up as his manager, and Danny grabs a bass guitar and drives off in what appears to be the psychedelic Partridge Family bus. Then Gary Coleman shows up as a building inspector, denies being the former Diff’rent Strokes star, and Kelly says she hated that show, which offends him so much he raises Bud’s fine to five thousand dollars. Buck outsmarts everyone and takes the apple.
Richard Gurman was on that season, and he had a sharp take on why the show got cartoony around seasons eight through eleven. When David left, Al lost his grounded opposite. Without David, it was just Al, and Al without someone to push against becomes Martians. Richard also pointed out that you simply run out of material after a certain point. Ed would sometimes say on stage, “I don’t want to do that joke,” and Richard would tell him, “It’s not like lightning struck you and you became someone else. You’re still Al Bundy and your audience wants to hear that.” Ed was making millions, so it didn’t soften things much.
The real gem of the night was Richard’s story about Gary Coleman. Richard produced the last year of Diff’rent Strokes, his first producer job, and he said Gary was disciplined and fine. But what stuck with everyone was watching Coleman make fun of himself on Married with Children when in real life he couldn’t take being picked on. Richard’s theory: when he’s acting, he allows it. When it’s real life, he doesn’t want people talking about him. That’s the difference between a role and a life.
Then Frank Lloyd, the stunt coordinator on Married with Children, dropped in with the athletic actor ranking. Harrison Ford first, Ted McGinley second, and Frank himself third. He told the story of Ted repelling down on an episode behind Al, and Ted didn’t know how to repel, so he learned it on the stage in real time. Frank also revealed Ted had three colors in his hair on Dynasty, and Frank was doubling him and acted confused about it, knowing Ted was sitting right there in the makeup room. The power, Frank said, was intoxicating.
David Faustino came in hot with stories that had the whole room losing it. He wrestled Jose Canseco and got hit so hard he flew across the ring, and the giant was standing there making dinner plans. He fought Barry Williams from The Brady Bunch on Celebrity Boot Camp, carried him at first, then dropped him six times because there are no rules in celebrity boxing. Coolio won the whole championship. David also told the Dennis Rodman story: he said on the radio that Carmen Electra was the hottest woman he’d never have sex with because she’d been with Rodman and that had to be an infection. Rodman called in, threatened to come beat the white off him, and David said, “When, bitch?” Hulk Hogan’s people called and set up a wrestling match. David showed up jacked on steroids, wearing a trench coat and sunglasses, and Hulk told him he missed his calling as a wrestler. Rodman never got in the ring with him. It was fixed, but it’s wrestling, so of course it was fixed.
The Johnny Fairplay story was the crown jewel. David was getting an award, Fairplay was on stage, everyone was booing, David walked up and said, “They’re booing because they hate you.” Fairplay grabbed him, wrapped his legs around him, did his patented monkey hump, and David threw him over his head. Fairplay’s front teeth came out. David picked one up, had it drilled out, and wore it as a necklace for over a decade. There’s video. He showed it off. Amy made him put it away.
On the personal side, Danny talked about his hydrocephalus. He was losing balance, couldn’t stand up, went to a neurologist who asked if he’d ever been hit in the head. Danny laughed and said people have lined up to hit him in the head. The doctor showed him the scan. There’s a shunt behind his ear, down his neck, all the way to his groin. He doesn’t ask too many questions about where the water goes. He’s a spokesperson for awareness now, gave a speech in Indiana, and his wife dragged him all over Indiana to see where James Dean went to school. He didn’t even know James Dean was from Indiana.
He also revealed he’s been married three times, twice on the first day he met the woman. The first was a Japanese woman in Marina del Rey who was freaking out about deportation, so he offered to marry her. They got married by a SanterÃa priestess on Venice Beach. Three years later, when she got her green card, they divorced. The second was in Phoenix on a blind date. She said she wouldn’t have sex until marriage, so they called a minister and did it on the spot. Amy, his current wife, refused to join that club. They dated four years and have been married fifteen.
The episode talk circled back to the apple feud and the missed opportunity. Adam pointed out that in a previous episode, Al gets electrocuted and Peg says, “God, it smells like ham in here.” In this episode, Marcy gets electrocuted in the hot tub, and nobody said, “God, it smells like chicken out here.” It would have been perfect. The room agreed it was a missed beat.
By the end, Danny was telling stories about Dustin Diamond helping him through the wrestling moves, about Coolio showing up stoned to a talk show, about the Affiliate Ball where he throws private events and has had Snoop Dogg, T-Pain, Method Man, and Grandmaster Flash on the couch. He talked about being arrested in Daytona Beach, Beverly Hills, West Hollywood, Tijuana, and Arizona, and now he’s good. He’s retired in Palm Springs, keeps a condo in Seattle, and only says yes when the phone rings.
We ended with the Whoa Bundy, arms in, and thanked Danny for cracking us up. Juliet Tablak is next. See you in two weeks.
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