Season 11 Episode 13: T*R*A*S*H

Jefferson, who turns out to hold a commission in the National Guard, talks Al and Griff into enlisting, on the understanding that it is a weekend obligation with uniforms and very little else required. Griff anticipates being the few and the proud; Al expects to be all he can be. Both have read the wrong recruitment slogans and neither has considered what the Guard actually gets called out for, which in this case is a Chicago garbage strike. The trio are deployed into a street fight conducted with refuse.

The barracks scene gets the episode off to its strongest start. SSG Fletcher wakes the reservists with a whistle, Al wanders onto the line yawning and is pleased rather than intimidated at being addressed as sir, and the exchange that follows establishes that he has no intention of taking any of it seriously. His comparison of the shoe store’s clientele to the Battle of the Bulge draws an immediate disavowal from Griff, and the order to drop and give fifty is met with the five dollars Al has on him.

The combat sequences are staged as war-film parody and the series commits fully: Griff takes an egg to the helmet and plays out a deathbed scene with Al cradling him, delivering a final request that turns out not to be a declaration of love. Al later rescues Fletcher from under a dumpster to an instrumental “Up Where We Belong” and comes home promoted. This is the only episode of the series written by David Faustino, who shares the story credit, and J.J. Johnston’s drill instructor is his last of several appearances on the show.

Episode Facts

• Original air date: Monday, January 27, 1997 on FOX
• Season 11, Episode 13
• Overall episode 251 of the series
• Production code 11.14
• Story by Todd Newman and David Faustino; teleplay by Terry Maloney and Mindy Morgenstern
• Directed by Amanda Bearse
• The title plays on M*A*S*H
• The only episode of the series written by a member of the cast

Guest Cast

• J.J. Johnston as the Drill Instructor, SSG Fletcher
• Gonzo Raymond as Santo
• Jerry Giles as Duwayne

Private Bundy Reports for Duty

David Faustino’s story credit makes this a one-off in the series’ history: no other cast member wrote for the show, and the shape of the episode suggests someone who had spent eleven years watching what these three actors do well together. It is built almost entirely as a vehicle for Al, Griff and Jefferson out of their usual settings, with Jefferson for once holding rank over the other two and enjoying it.

The war-movie parody is the most sustained genre pastiche the series attempted outside its dream episodes. Griff’s deathbed scene is the centrepiece and it runs the full sequence, the wound, the cradling, the dying request, the pause, before revealing that the message he wants delivered to his ex-wife is not a kind one. Harold Sylvester had played soldiers before, in Uncommon Valor in 1983, and would again on the short-lived sitcom The Army Show.

The production put more care into the uniforms than the plot strictly needed. Jefferson is a Second Lieutenant, an entry-level commissioned officer, with infantry insignia and an Army Service Ribbon indicating he completed Advanced Individual Training. Fletcher’s shoulder insignia places him in the 82nd Airborne, with a Basic Parachutist badge and a second-award Combat Infantryman Badge. Somebody on the crew knew exactly what they were putting on those sleeves.

Famous Quotes

• Drill Instructor: “RISE AND SHINE, LADIES! Hope you had a good night sleep, because your nightmare begins now!”
• Drill Instructor: “Am I disturbing you, private?” / Al: “Uh, Al Bundy.” / Drill Instructor: “‘Al Bundy, Sir’!” / Al: “Well, no one’s called me sir in a long, long time.” / Drill Instructor: “HOW ABOUT MORON?! THEY’VE CALLED YOU THAT, HAVEN’T THEY?!” / Al: “Sir, yes, sir!”
• Drill Instructor: “Ladies’ shoe salesman. Well, you’re in the reserve now. You’re not in some candy-ass mall.” / Al: “You haven’t seen my customers. Every day it’s the battle of the bulge, right, Griff?” / Griff: “Who’s Griff? Somebody here called Griff?”
• Drill Instructor: “Drop and give me 50, mall scum!” / Al: “All I got here is this five.”
• Al: “WHY, OH WHY, OH WHY?! THAT SHELL WAS MEANT FOR ME!” Over Griff, who has been hit with an egg.
• Griff: “If I don’t make it, would you look up my ex-wife and…” / Al: “And tell her that you love her?” / Griff: “No! Tell her that she’s a BITCH!”

Notes

• This is J.J. Johnston’s final guest appearance on the series, after roles in “Luck of the Bundys,” “No Pot to Pease In” and “The Hood, the Bud and the Kelly.”
• Harold Sylvester had played a soldier in 1983’s Uncommon Valor alongside another future Married… with Children guest, Randall “Tex” Cobb.
• An instrumental “Up Where We Belong” plays as Al carries SSG Fletcher to safety.
• Goof: the episode conflates the National Guard with the Army Reserve, which are separate organisations with different missions and funding.
• Goof: Al comes home as Corporal Bundy after a couple of days, which is not how promotion works, and he wears nothing to indicate the rank.
• Goof: Griff cites Jim Brown in The Dirty Dozen as an example of the Black character dying first; Brown’s character survives until late in that film, after several others.
• Goof: the dumpster Al supposedly lifts off Fletcher does not move.