Season 7 Episode 15: Heels on Wheels

Kelly buys herself a motorcycle, and the only member of the household genuinely worried about it is her father. Al’s concern is real and it is one of the few times the series lets him be straightforwardly protective of his daughter without undercutting it, although he undercuts it himself the moment he sits on the bike and starts imagining the life he might have had, a daydream the show scores to George Thorogood. Marcy’s reaction is the comic engine. She arrives having seen the motorcycle in the driveway and assuming it belongs to Al, and delivers an enthusiastic speech encouraging him to ride without a helmet, pop wheelies and travel the wrong way down the interstate at ninety, preferably while exhausted. When told it is Kelly’s, she pivots instantly to warning the girl that motorcycles are killers and should be handed to her father. Bud’s subplot has him volunteering as a life model at an all-girls art school, posing nude, which is exactly the sort of opportunity he has spent seven seasons failing to find. And Al’s shoe store story this week is the best one of the season: a customer with a garter belt, silk stockings and a Basic Instinct manoeuvre, and a revelation that sends Al to his wife with a question about his own sexuality. For an episode about a motorcycle, almost nothing happens on the motorcycle, which is fine. Everything good here is in the living room.Peg, meanwhile, is pursuing an acquisition of her own.

Episode Facts

• Original air date: February 7, 1993
• Season and episode: Season 7, Episode 15
• Overall episode number: 146
• Written by: Stacie Lipp
• Directed by: Gerry Cohen
• Taped: January 22, 1993
• Title note: A play on “Meals on Wheels,” with “hell on wheels” hanging in the background.

Guest Cast

• Paris Houghton as Lulu
• Lee Marvin in archive footage (uncredited)
• Todd McClaren as the NBC announcer (uncredited, archive footage)

Ride Like the Wind, Wild One

Marcy’s double reversal is Amanda Bearse’s best scene of the season. She comes in at full enthusiasm, delivers a sustained encouragement to Al to get himself killed as quickly as possible, is corrected, and then has to perform concern for Kelly and encouragement for Al simultaneously while sliding back and forth across the couch between them. Her exit line is the same as her entrance line.

Al’s shoe store monologue is one of the great ones. The setup is textbook Al Bundy, right down to the garter belt he mentions liking, and the reveal is a single shouted clause. His follow-up is better still: he denies any doubt about his sexuality using evidence that does not support him, and then asks his wife for professional advice on making men not want him. Peg’s answer is the best line in the episode.

The motorcycle daydream is scored to “Born to Be Bad,” which is from the same George Thorogood catalogue as Al’s usual theme. The implication that Al should have bought one when he was young is left hanging, and the audience audibly agrees with him.

Al and Bud’s garage scene produces a nice piece of continuity archaeology. Al reminisces about working on the car as a boy and Bud points out that it is the same car, which lines up with season 9’s revelation that the Dodge’s colour is dirt and rust over the original red.

Famous Quotes

• Al, telling the story of his day: “All of a sudden, she uncrosses her leg, like in Basic Instinct…” Peg: “You saw it all?!” Al: “Yes… IT WAS A GUY!”
• Al, seeking reassurance: “Just ’cause I was vaguely excited touching a man’s calf and I don’t want to sleep with you… No! I have no doubts about my sexuality!”
• Al, asking for expert help: “Peg, how do you make them not want you?” Peg: “Well, apparently you marry them!”
• Marcy, believing the bike is Al’s: “Popping wheelies, going 90 the wrong way on the interstate! That’s for cool outlaw guys like you! Ride like the wind, wild one! Drive fast, drive often and drive when you’re really, really tired!”
• Marcy, on learning it is Kelly’s: “Oh, God! Get rid of it! They’re killers! Give it to your father.”

Notes

• Peg telephones NBC after hearing the network is for sale, with a specific and non-negotiable condition attached to her interest in the news division.
• Bud reveals that Al once got lost and ended up in a male strip club, having concluded that “Macho Man” had a good beat and that the women had all gone to the bathroom at once.
• Marcy describes growing her hair out so she can cut it into little animals, at which point Jefferson notes that her prescription needs refilling.
• Al and Peg sing “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend.”
• The studio audience is unusually loud in this one, with “Go Bud!” and “Yeah, Al! Bunnndy!” both clearly audible on the broadcast mix.