Season 7 Episode 17: You Can’t Miss

Bud goes on a dating game show called You Can’t Miss, and the show’s host explains the format in his opening remarks with a candour no real programme would permit: viewers wondering why a woman like the contestant would consider any of these men should understand that she is being paid a thousand dollars. Bud is one of the three. His competition includes a man named Rodrigo who is visibly out of his league. Bud’s strategy, when his turn comes, is complete honesty, and it is the best monologue the character gets all season: he argues that Rodrigo will treat her badly, disappear, lie and cheat, concedes that he would do all of those things himself if he looked like Rodrigo, and closes on his real selling point, which is that he has never had anyone as good as her and his rival has. Rodrigo, on camera, confirms it. Running alongside this, Al and Peg are locked in a contest of wills about who will fall asleep first, since they have not gone to bed at the same time on a Saturday in over a decade, and the two of them end up singing Brahms to each other. Kelly, meanwhile, has mixed up one day for another and concluded that the family is running a conspiracy against her. Bill Maher hosts the game show, two years before Politically Incorrect made him famous. It is one of the stronger episodes of the back half of the season, mostly because all three threads are about the same thing, which is people wanting something they are not going to get.

Episode Facts

• Original air date: February 21, 1993
• Season and episode: Season 7, Episode 17
• Overall episode number: 148
• Written by: Joel Valentincic and Scott Zimbler
• Directed by: Amanda Bearse
• Taped: February 12, 1993
• Production note: Bill Maher guest stars as the host, two years before Politically Incorrect launched.
• Title note: The name of the game show, and a play on the phrase meaning a guaranteed win.

Guest Cast

• Bill Maher as Adam
• Chantel Dubay as Candy Lapinsky
• Ron Evans as Rodrigo
• Matt Winston as Eugene
• Brian Leckner as Henry
• Allison Barron as Tania
• Tiffany Sloan as Carol
• Kiamalise Budak as Betty
• Arthur Hanket as the anchorman (voice)

You Can’t Miss

The game show is a straight parody of The Dating Game, and the single line that makes it work is Maher’s explanation of the thousand dollar incentive. It reframes the entire format as a transaction, which it largely was.

Bud’s pitch to Candy is the best thing David Faustino does in season 7. It is structured as an attack on his rival that turns into a confession, lands on a genuinely good argument, and then collapses when the woman makes the obvious choice anyway. Maher’s parting line to him is the perfect button.

The aftermath is the episode’s reward. Bud’s television appearance brings a crowd of women to the Bundy front lawn, all competing for him, and the one who gets through to him is not what the scene has been setting up. Tiffany Sloan, one of the women in the crowd, had been Playboy’s Playmate of the Month four months before filming and was nineteen, the youngest Playmate to appear on the series. Allison Barron had been on the show before, as one of Kelly’s friends in season 3’s “The House That Peg Lost.” Chantel Dubay, who plays Candy, later became one of Barker’s Beauties on The Price Is Right.

The Al and Peg bedtime plot is small and very good. Their opening argument about the decade since they last went to bed together produces three straight lines of the show at its most casually brutal, ending with Al telling his wife she is sexy when she neuters him.

Famous Quotes

• Peg: “We haven’t been to bed at the same time in 10 years.” Al: “And you notice we haven’t had any more children in 10 years, so I must be doing something right!” Peg: “Honey, just because we had kids doesn’t mean you were doing anything right back then either.” Al: “You’re sexy when you neuter me that way.”
• Adam, explaining the format: “Who may be wondering why a woman like this would want to go out with one of these losers, the answer is very simple. We give her one thousand dollars.”
• Bud, making his case: “He’ll treat you like dirt! He’ll disappear for days! He’ll lie to you! He’ll cheat on you! Everything I would do if I looked like him…”
• Bud, closing: “Two minutes with a god who will dump you… or a lifetime with a guy who will worship you as a goddess. Your choice is clear!” Candy: “I’ll take Rodrigo!”
• Adam, consoling the loser: “Enjoy your car wax, punk!”

Notes

• Peg states that Bud is twenty, which does not fit his established January 1974 birthday or his eighteenth birthday in season 6’s “Rites of Passage” thirteen months earlier.
• Bud confirms he has had two sexual partners as of this episode, a figure he works into his pitch.
• Peg sings a reworked version of “I Want to Be Loved by You” as “I Want to Be Rubbed by You.” The two of them later sing Brahms’ Lullaby at each other.
• Al’s refusal of her request involves Robin Williams and three wishes, which places the episode firmly in the winter Aladdin was in cinemas.
• The Saturday night bedtime dispute pays off a detail from the season premiere, where Al explained his strategy for getting the bed to himself on Sunday mornings.